you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
