There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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