I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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