I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Randomize
