You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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