first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
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