i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
