I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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