wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
