The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
