you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
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I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
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i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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