We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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