if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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