the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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