Will you blow on my dice?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
