I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
