How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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