I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
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I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
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Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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