Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
This can only be settled by a dance off.
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