How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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