i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
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