pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
