My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
