I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
