OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
