why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
