By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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