Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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