Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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