4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
White coat. Heels.
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
