when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
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