how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
