so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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