you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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