A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I have grass duct taped all over my body
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
