Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
