sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
