the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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