I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
