i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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