i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
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