The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
