seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
