His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
