i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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