The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
