I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
tequila makes me forget i have legs
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
