so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
