there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
