turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
