dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity