dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover