I could make wine with my vomit
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
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no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
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Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry