He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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