the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
