my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
