I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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