The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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