yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Randomize
