1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
