the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
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He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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