so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
