I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
