Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
organizing the empties. That sober.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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